J is doing a rewatch of Longmire, and I am doing (another) rewatch of Leverage (no, seriously, this is probably my fifth in six months? Counting that initial time marathoning it over a matter of days), and as we were talking about our favorite characters on Longmire, an interesting thought struck me. My favorite character is Henry. (J's is Hector, which is incredibly fitting, unsurprising, and not actually pertinent.) In the episode we watched, Walt loses his temper and destroys his office in his rage. That scene is a great example of why Walt can't be my favorite, which surprised J, because I am a creature of rage.(1) But that is why Walt can't be my favorite, because I identify with him too much (at least in that way), and I don't much care for my rage control issues. (I don't mind my rage itself, generally, but too often, the uncontrollable aspect of it is tied tightly to the bipolar(2). I have fought long and hard to gain control and find an even emotional ground -- and most of that is medicine supported -- but I know it is there.)

This got me thinking. I tend to love certain characters and identify hard with certain characters, and those characters do not generally overlap, because when I identify with characters, it is mostly because of traits I don't particularly like in myself.

Examples: Henry vs Walt; She-Hulk is my favorite Hulk, but I deeply identify with MCU Bruce Banner and his rage(3); Hardison is my favorite, but I identify more with Eliot (his control is more of the kind of control I've managed, though he is probably the most controlled of the characters with which I identify); Sir Keladry is my favorite of the Tortall characters (from Tamora Pierce's series), but I identify more with Sir Alanna (who is known for her anger issues).

This can sometimes fall apart when it comes to angry women: Faith from BTVS is both my favorite and the one I identify with the most; so is Letty, from the Fast and the Furious series; of the women in the United States of Asgard, I love Glory the Fenris Wolf and her neverending hunger and Sygny the Valkyrie proving herself in blood and fire and rage, and I identify with them immensely. But generally, I like the ones who have learned control, and identify with the ones who have not, who let their anger ride so near the surface.

I need to think about this some more, but it might give me structure for that series of essays I've been wanting to write about bipolar.



(1) Recently I mentioned on my grad school friends chat thread that I am feeling very manic lately, and have a berserker heart. I have been reading too much Norse-inspired fiction, I suppose; I'm in the middle of yet another reread of Tessa Gratton's United States of Asgard series, and the more times I read the series, the more I love the berserker main character of the first book, Soren. He is the best.

(2) Note: I am NOT saying that mental illness makes people dangerous. My mental illness sometimes manifests in ways that make me dangerous, because my rage and lack of control sometimes makes me dangerous, with or without the mental illness.

(3) Though werewolf is my favorite metaphor for bipolar, the Hulk thing works pretty well for it, too. Despite how long we've been together, J recently learned that She-Hulk is my favorite (he only recently learned She-Hulk exists at all, because J is not a comic book fan, and when he does watch adaptations, he always does DC), and I explained it is because if you take the Hulk thing as a metaphor for bipolar, LOOK AT HER. She is what I want to be.

Earlier this week, after tons of people recommending it to me, I finally started watching Leverage, and I am already on season three. It is amazing and wonderful and fills me with feelings and I love everyone except for Nate indescribable amounts, but particularly Hardison, Parker, and Eliot, and of course my new OT3 of them together.

So those of you who were much smarter than me and have been loving it for years, please give me all your fic recs. I need them. I need them all.

I spend a great deal of time staring at the screen with hearts and stars in my eyes because I love this ridiculous chosen family so goddamn much.