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escritoireazulTonight's horror movie is Flu Bird Horror, with the fabulous tagline of, If They Fly You Die. AWESOME.
I am sad this wasn't made as a response to the H1N1 because then we'd have, I don't know, mutant flying pigs or something. Feral hogs in the woods. AWESOME.
Open with sorta pretty Jurassic Park-esque shot of tree-covered mountains. I have Jurassic Park on the brain and will probably watch it this weekend. Maybe all three. I haven't done that in awhile.
Two older white hunters deer hunting. Very stereotypical in dress and body hair. It's a shame, deer hunters get no respect.
There are some weird shots focused tight on their eyes and mouths at strange angles. I think it is supposed to create tension, because now the birds (which look like flying dinosaurs) are attacking. They also speak with strange hesitations between words.
Aww, troubled teens on a camping trip to Save Them. FUN TIMES.
Dude, one of the troublemakers hacked the Pentagon. That's kinda bad ass! He's cute, too, and a character of color. I think his name is Derrick. Also, there is the solitary, grumpy smoking brunette woman. Her name is Ava and she's awesome. I have my two favorite people.
So the birds have attacked the teens and it's pretty bad. And by bad, I mean awful, not scary. There's some fat hate, of course, and the fat guy is the first to get torn up. (Well, I mean besides the hunters.) My girl Ava tries to help the injured teen. Oh, Ava, even more awesome.
Where the hell did my boy, Derrick, go? I'll be pissed if he's already dead. Ava's taking charge and is totally badass. I chose my favorite well! Even if she does go check out the rustling in the woods, which in a horror movie tends to be a bad idea but in this case turned out to be Derrick, of course. Ava has issues being touched. I love her even more, though this has turned into a really badly written and directed and acted version ofthestalkycop's Woods.
Poor Derrick's the only one who doesn't get a cigarette. And creepy white guy is going to keep the gun and the map? BAD PLAN, kids. He's kinda a fake Taylor Kitsch.
They go to find an army base which is apparently closed. Or some path to it is closed. Or something weird, I don't even know. Creepy White Boy forces Derrick at gun point to explore it first and I hope Creepy White Boy dies a painful, horrible death.
Now Creepy White Boy's girlfriend (dressed as the stereotypical slut of the horror movie) is trying to pick a fight with Ava. I'm ready for everyone but Ava and Derrick to die, personally.
OMG, somehow Derrick shot someone? Or something? And now that someone is on fire? I DON'T EVEN KNOWN WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND YET I AM NOT GOING BACK TO FIND OUT.
Oh, it's a flare gun and the crates are full of dynamite. AWESOME.
There are also some parts in a hospital where the surviving hunter was taken which is supposed to be scientific and dramatic and they're searching for answers about the sick guy: It's an H5N1 variant, a MUTANT VIRUS!
Now they're going to sacrifice the Fat Guy who is infected. Where's Riddick at a time like this? Oooh, maybe I should watch Pitch Black instead. That has weird bird creatures.
Ava's just contacted the hospital via radio. AWESOME.
I don't really understand how they are going to force the Fat Guy to save them, but okay. Whatever.
Apparently this flu turns you into a zombie-like thing. We just got to see a cough of blood that turned into the microbes or whatever. It was hilarious.
Hahahahaha. Birds used to be dinosaurs, maybe they got pissed being knocked down the dominance scale. Or something ridiculous like that.
The fort was shut down because of gas leaks. There's dynamite in the fort. If there's not a giant explosion killing all birds, I will feel cheated!
If this is really an outbreak, why aren't the hospital staff wearing masks and gloves or suits or something? I know, I know, I expect too much from bad horror.
OMG no one knows where they're trying to go, much less how to get there. These teens are idiots. IDIOTS.
I am not sure I can keep watching this movie. It's that bad.
IT'S GONE AIRBORNE. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA.
This is it! This is the start of the big one!
I cannot even deal with this movie. Not at all. Maybe if I fast forward through the hospital parts, that will help. Not that the teens in the woods have better actors, but slightly less ridiculous.
OMG Creepy White Boy and Mean Girl are going to have sex in the woods? REALLY? THIS IS WHEN YOU DECIDE TO HAVE SEX? OMG Mean Girl's name is Lola. I find that hilarious.
Creepy White Boy wants to fight. Any other time, I would like that about Creepy White Guy, but he's been creepy and annoying and so no.
I only just broke the halfway point. Now there are teens in the woods and agents in the woods and I am really bored. REALLY BORED.
Oh, OF COURSE Derrick is infected and Creepy White Boy is going to sacrifice him. I don't disagree with part of it; once someone's been infected, they've got to go, but Creepy White Boy has been way too shitty to Derrick for this to not look racist. The only character of color, of course he's going to get infected and be treated badly.
Oh, dude, Derrick actually fought back! And possibly infected Creepy White Boy, which serves him right.
With Ava and Lola standing together in the sunlight, staring at Creepy White Boy, judging him, I can see how they could be a kick ass team. You know, in a better movie.
We're all here because we made mistakes, but we're tough. We're survivors. We're all here because we did what we had to do to survive. Oh, Ava, give your speech. Except I'm pretty sure her insane father abused her and I am tired of girls with abuse in their background. Though hers, at least, seems to not be sexual abuse.
God is this over yet? IS IT? No?
I should have chilled some wine or something.
Ava and Lola teaming up is kinda awesome. Also Derrick attacking the birds is sorta awesome. Mostly he's just screaming at them. And now he's dead, so - yeah. Good times for the character of color, of course.
I, uh, got distracted, but at least there was a big fire. Yay. Big fire. Um. Still distracted. I think Creepy White Boy died, too, so awesome.
I have just discovered the most awesome thing ever, which I will rec later, but right now I am reading it. That's what distracted me from the end of the movie. Thankfully.
Apparently, I have found what would get me into RPF. It included this line, "Vin’s voice rumbles like a chainsaw through warm honey," which made me literally, LITERALLY, claw at my own throat because it was so awesomely hot in context.
JESUSFUCKSOHOT. Going back to reading now.
I am sad this wasn't made as a response to the H1N1 because then we'd have, I don't know, mutant flying pigs or something. Feral hogs in the woods. AWESOME.
Open with sorta pretty Jurassic Park-esque shot of tree-covered mountains. I have Jurassic Park on the brain and will probably watch it this weekend. Maybe all three. I haven't done that in awhile.
Two older white hunters deer hunting. Very stereotypical in dress and body hair. It's a shame, deer hunters get no respect.
There are some weird shots focused tight on their eyes and mouths at strange angles. I think it is supposed to create tension, because now the birds (which look like flying dinosaurs) are attacking. They also speak with strange hesitations between words.
Aww, troubled teens on a camping trip to Save Them. FUN TIMES.
Dude, one of the troublemakers hacked the Pentagon. That's kinda bad ass! He's cute, too, and a character of color. I think his name is Derrick. Also, there is the solitary, grumpy smoking brunette woman. Her name is Ava and she's awesome. I have my two favorite people.
So the birds have attacked the teens and it's pretty bad. And by bad, I mean awful, not scary. There's some fat hate, of course, and the fat guy is the first to get torn up. (Well, I mean besides the hunters.) My girl Ava tries to help the injured teen. Oh, Ava, even more awesome.
Where the hell did my boy, Derrick, go? I'll be pissed if he's already dead. Ava's taking charge and is totally badass. I chose my favorite well! Even if she does go check out the rustling in the woods, which in a horror movie tends to be a bad idea but in this case turned out to be Derrick, of course. Ava has issues being touched. I love her even more, though this has turned into a really badly written and directed and acted version of
thestalkycop's Woods.Poor Derrick's the only one who doesn't get a cigarette. And creepy white guy is going to keep the gun and the map? BAD PLAN, kids. He's kinda a fake Taylor Kitsch.
They go to find an army base which is apparently closed. Or some path to it is closed. Or something weird, I don't even know. Creepy White Boy forces Derrick at gun point to explore it first and I hope Creepy White Boy dies a painful, horrible death.
Now Creepy White Boy's girlfriend (dressed as the stereotypical slut of the horror movie) is trying to pick a fight with Ava. I'm ready for everyone but Ava and Derrick to die, personally.
OMG, somehow Derrick shot someone? Or something? And now that someone is on fire? I DON'T EVEN KNOWN WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND YET I AM NOT GOING BACK TO FIND OUT.
Oh, it's a flare gun and the crates are full of dynamite. AWESOME.
There are also some parts in a hospital where the surviving hunter was taken which is supposed to be scientific and dramatic and they're searching for answers about the sick guy: It's an H5N1 variant, a MUTANT VIRUS!
Now they're going to sacrifice the Fat Guy who is infected. Where's Riddick at a time like this? Oooh, maybe I should watch Pitch Black instead. That has weird bird creatures.
Ava's just contacted the hospital via radio. AWESOME.
I don't really understand how they are going to force the Fat Guy to save them, but okay. Whatever.
Apparently this flu turns you into a zombie-like thing. We just got to see a cough of blood that turned into the microbes or whatever. It was hilarious.
Hahahahaha. Birds used to be dinosaurs, maybe they got pissed being knocked down the dominance scale. Or something ridiculous like that.
The fort was shut down because of gas leaks. There's dynamite in the fort. If there's not a giant explosion killing all birds, I will feel cheated!
If this is really an outbreak, why aren't the hospital staff wearing masks and gloves or suits or something? I know, I know, I expect too much from bad horror.
OMG no one knows where they're trying to go, much less how to get there. These teens are idiots. IDIOTS.
I am not sure I can keep watching this movie. It's that bad.
IT'S GONE AIRBORNE. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA.
This is it! This is the start of the big one!
I cannot even deal with this movie. Not at all. Maybe if I fast forward through the hospital parts, that will help. Not that the teens in the woods have better actors, but slightly less ridiculous.
OMG Creepy White Boy and Mean Girl are going to have sex in the woods? REALLY? THIS IS WHEN YOU DECIDE TO HAVE SEX? OMG Mean Girl's name is Lola. I find that hilarious.
Creepy White Boy wants to fight. Any other time, I would like that about Creepy White Guy, but he's been creepy and annoying and so no.
I only just broke the halfway point. Now there are teens in the woods and agents in the woods and I am really bored. REALLY BORED.
Oh, OF COURSE Derrick is infected and Creepy White Boy is going to sacrifice him. I don't disagree with part of it; once someone's been infected, they've got to go, but Creepy White Boy has been way too shitty to Derrick for this to not look racist. The only character of color, of course he's going to get infected and be treated badly.
Oh, dude, Derrick actually fought back! And possibly infected Creepy White Boy, which serves him right.
With Ava and Lola standing together in the sunlight, staring at Creepy White Boy, judging him, I can see how they could be a kick ass team. You know, in a better movie.
We're all here because we made mistakes, but we're tough. We're survivors. We're all here because we did what we had to do to survive. Oh, Ava, give your speech. Except I'm pretty sure her insane father abused her and I am tired of girls with abuse in their background. Though hers, at least, seems to not be sexual abuse.
God is this over yet? IS IT? No?
I should have chilled some wine or something.
Ava and Lola teaming up is kinda awesome. Also Derrick attacking the birds is sorta awesome. Mostly he's just screaming at them. And now he's dead, so - yeah. Good times for the character of color, of course.
I, uh, got distracted, but at least there was a big fire. Yay. Big fire. Um. Still distracted. I think Creepy White Boy died, too, so awesome.
I have just discovered the most awesome thing ever, which I will rec later, but right now I am reading it. That's what distracted me from the end of the movie. Thankfully.
Apparently, I have found what would get me into RPF. It included this line, "Vin’s voice rumbles like a chainsaw through warm honey," which made me literally, LITERALLY, claw at my own throat because it was so awesomely hot in context.
JESUSFUCKSOHOT. Going back to reading now.
