[fandom] the sparkle apocalypse (sparkalypse? sparklepocalypse? sparklealypse?) is upon us

[escritoireazul]

I have seen the sparkle.



And I said, "What the hell? That's it? That's all we get?"

Y'all, the sparkling was DISAPPOINTING.

On the other hand, the movie was pure awesome crack, and one of the best movie going experiences I've had all year. Possibly ever. I laughed so hard that at one point I very nearly fell out of my seat. Literally. I had to grab the bar in front of me to keep myself in my chair. To be fair, this was mostly in response to something raz0rgirl said, but still, it was directly related to the (lack of) sparkling.

There were things I absolutely adored. Mostly the way we were mocking it, and the fact we weren't the only people in the theater laughing at EVERY LITTLE THING. Seriously, group in the back, your laughter made me happy. The theater was almost empty, and it seemed like the few people at that particular showing were there for the lulz, or at least didn't mind finding them when they occurred.

Also these things:

James was hot as hell. He landed on the boat, shirtless, and in response to the victim's question ("Where did you come from?" I think), raz0rgirl muttered something like "And where is your shirt?" Personally, I was hoping he had a rule against shirts, and would never put one on again. Hot as hell.

Victoria and Rosalie facing off after James calls Bella a snack was also hot as hell. I may actually have to write fic about them, because, um, wow. Super, super hot. I didn't think I'd find Rosalie attractive, but god, from like moment one she was incredible. Also, Emmett. Also, them together. Yes, hot, hot, hot.

Jasper killed me occasionally. He did nothing but stand there and look pained and it was hilarious, especially with the way Alice is so vibrant. I did like the way Jasper and Emmett joke around in the background. I didn't like him tons in the book, and didn't find him hot at all in the movie - until he starts flipping the bat around and then, yeah, I got it. Go get some, Alice.

Actually, I now have this theory that Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett are a dodgy foursome. This is an awesome theory and makes me want to write the hot, hot sex. No wonder Rosalie is so pissy about Bella coming around, she's distracting Alice and now there's not as much fun girl time.

I loved Charlie to little bits and pieces. The actor had this lovely, quiet way of playing him which was very nice. I really felt for him when Bella was heaping abuse on him in order to make it realistic that she's leaving.

I was surprised to realize how much I liked the way R.Patz played Edward. The awkwardness made a lot of sense. It didn't get rid of the creepy stalker parts, but, you know, the awkwardness was fun. I feel for the poor guy, playing such an awful role. At times it was almost as if he was commenting on the crappiness of it through his acting, which is, you know, kind of impressive. I'd like to see him tackle some better roles, because I think the guy has chops, and will go far if he doesn't get pigeonholed because of this. Still don't see why people think he's hot, though, especially here.

I still, still, STILL do not understand vampire baseball. However, Rosalie and Emmett, incredibly hot while playing. And I would have loved to watch James with them.

I LOVED Alice ripping off James' head. I don't really understand why it was okay for Emmett and Jasper to give James a beating and not for Edward - Carlisle, you confuse me - but I loved that part. She was super fierce.

That whole scene, James playing with Bella in the ballet studio, and the vampires fighting, that was fantastic and reminded me of how much potential this story could have had if you stripped away all of Smeyer's CRAP.

I don't like Carlisle much. He was kind of creepy looking.

RE the SMeyer cameo, was that really necessary? COME ON, SMEYER, NOT IMPRESSED.

It really brought the gay. I'm kind of shocked SMeyer let it go out like that, though maybe she didn't have the obsessive control written into her contract. The scene where Carlisle made Edward a vampire was full of slash - it was as sexy, or sexier, than the scene where he makes Esme a vampire, which should tell you something. Then the scene where Alice says she'll take care of Bella while Edward tries to trick James, and puts her arm around her, also had some nice slashy tones. And Jasper kind of has this oh yeah, look at me, I'm awesome with the women. Threesome time! Plus the aforementioned Rosalie and Victoria face off.

I actually now have this idea that Carlisle isn't matching up the kids, his gathering himself multiple husbands and wives. And, honestly, I'm not sure I can hate there. You go, Carlisle, build yourself a sex home. I'd be in, those are some hot partners you're collecting.

You know, this feeling started when I was reading Growing Up Cullen, but I think I pretty much adore Rosalie and Emmett and want to have a glorious threesome with them if only I wasn't a stinky human. This frightens me a little, because I fear it will make me go soft on the series - no, never mind. I liked Asher for a long time and that didn't stop me from hating Anita Blake.

I have a huge problem with the stalker and abuser things from Edward, but really, Bella is pretty manipulative and nasty, too, and so are some of the others. It's a big abusive mess.

Jacob's teeth were blinding, but he had his moments of being nicely awkward and awesome at the same time. And I really liked Billy, and Billy and Charlie's friendship warmed my heart.

I think, considering the source material, this is the best they could have done. And honestly, watching it with raz0rgirl was a wonderful end to the day. I am terrified of how the werewolves will look, though, because that vampire movement was the stupidest thing ever. EVER.


Now I'm watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Did I ever tell you that I was in love with Worf as a kid? Oh yeah. And Captain Picard always reminded me of my dad in some ways. Okay, honestly, it's likely I still have a thing for Worf. Yum.

Despite my dislike for fluffy telepathic stuff and emotion reading, etc., Deanna was also on my radar back then.

Possibly more Twilight thoughts later, and good god, I almost want to write girl slash. Someone stop me.

Comments

[escritoireazul.livejournal.com]

Later in the movie, during one of the scenes in the diner (restaurant?), SMeyer is sitting at the counter. I believe she's given a salad. She has dark hair and pale skin and a heart shaped face - she looks a lot like Bella, obvs.

http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2008/04/04/exclusive-twilight-author-stephenie-meyer-shoots-movie-cameo/

Seriously, does she think she's as awesome as Hitchcock? Really?