escritoireazul | Entries tagged with me: countdown meme

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( All 10 Days )

Day 10 - One person you can trust.

Not answering with a human person, because any answer feels like ranking, and there are a good number of people I trust with my worst bipolar moments (which, to be honest, Carla 10 or 20 years ago would never have imagined, so that's pretty awesome), and even more I trust to be honest even if I don't share all the broken bits with them, and good grief, my life is full of people for someone who pretty much hates people. But I don't like ranking them, and this feels like ranking them, so I'm doing a different answer.

Oh, no, not myself. I can see why that could be a lot of people's answers, but my own brain is one of the last things I trust. See: bipolar.

I trust my dog to give me all the cuddling I could ever want. Even that's something I don't accept from people much of the time (even people I regularly hug or cuddle, I can't handle it from them all the time), but my dog can be right there every second, so clearly I trust her to be physically oh so close. So yeah. My dog.

(Still boggling over how many people I trust with the broken bits. Even beyond what I'm willing to write about, there's this core few who I've cracked right open before, and they just help put me back together. I am incredibly blessed.)

( All 10 Days )

Day 9 - Two things you wish you could do

Have career success without my mental health falling apart, but clearly that wasn't something I could do. I was amazing at it, right up until I wasn't, and now I can't seem to do anything at all. Fuck bipolar, dudes. Fuck it.

Space travel. I want to see the stars, touch the sky and beyond, all the planets, all the worlds. That or have a raptor pack, complete with a Blue of my own.

( All 10 Days )

Day 8 - Three words you can't go a day without

Ignoring things like "the" or "hey," here are the words I use most often at this point.

1. fuck
2. Izzy
3. werewolf, dinosaur, or octopus, pretty much interchangeably

So ... that's a thing. Seriously, I talk about werewolves, dinosaurs, and octopi all the time.

( All 10 Days )

Day 7 - Four memories you won't forget

Oh, this is a tough one. I have terrible memory, especially if I don't write something done (to do lists, yeah, but also memories of things that have happened, conversations, important details about friendships, etc.). There are whole chunks of 2007 - 2014 I feel like I've lost because I wasn't blogging as much during grad school. (And also, crazy brain, particularly while I was in Michigan, and unmedicated, and pretty sure the sun was never going to return.) Plus memories come and go.

So, four memories I haven't forgotten at this moment, in no particular, but all of which are particularly vivid.

1. Standing in Mom's ICU room with my dad, J, and a couple of my siblings, watching the machines keep Mom alive. Watching the machines turn off, one by one, wires and buttons, plastic and electricity, metal bits, all these unimportant things, and each one, a piece of her gone. She breathed on her own, one last time, and the sound she made. It was like we could see her leave, and then there was just a body, and all those tears, and nothing. I'd been called home so many times over the years, said good-bye only to have her live. This was not that. This was the end.

2. I'm fourteen, and just stupid in love with J. His sister's friends are adults, like her, and they're in a band, and we're watching practice. We go for a walk at dusk, and after the sun has gone behind the trees, we stop. There's a rowboat for awhile, under the stars, water splashing, soaking the bottom of my jeans. The sky is deep, dark blue, all stars, no moon. We kiss, sitting on the hood of an old car, and the band covers Live's "Lightning Crashes".

3. It was late when I landed in Seattle, dark, and I was exhausted. Spring break, but I'd been interviewing with firms, had little rest. I wasn't stressed about the interview in Redmond, I already had an offer from my first choice firm, but I walked outside the airport, and the air was so crisp and cool. It felt different. My driver was quiet, left me in peace, and I couldn't stop staring at the trees, the mountains, the moon. I fell in love with the Seattle area that trip, and the summer I worked out there.

4. It's my first Wiscon, and I'm hanging out with friends I've either never met in person before or only get to rarely see. We're laughing, it's wonderful, we're having so much fun. The auction is ridiculous, hilarious, and I'm grinning at something one of my friends has said when I look up, across the room, and there's a woman. She's gorgeous, all dark shiny hair and such a nice grin and her outfit is casual sexy as hell, and she has a Faith tattoo. I recognize it even at a distance.

And then, after the auction, I'm walking with a friend, and the woman is right there, friendly and smiling and wonderful, and I can tell her how awesome her tattoo is, and how her outfit is very Faith, and -- wait. I know her. We spend the rest of the night talking and drinking. She ends up being one of my best friends, and such an important part of my life for many years.

That is the story of how I spotted

nikitangel across a crowded room at a feminist convention without knowing it was her, even though we'd already become friends online. It makes me smile to this day.

( All 10 Days )

Day 6 - Five things you can't live without

The easy answer (oxygen, water, food) isn't the most interesting answer, as usual, so I'll skip those things in favor of something else. For most of these, it is true on an abstract level that I can't live without them (e.g., what is the point of life without these things?), but also in an absolute concrete way, in that I have come close to death, and sometimes very recently, but remain alive because of some combination of these things. In no particular order:

1. Family and friends.
2. My sweet, cuddly, protective dog.
3. Stories and storytelling.
4. Sun and sand and sea.
5. Technology.

It feels like these are pretty self-explanatory but also that I could talk about them for hundreds of thousands of words, which in some cases, I'm pretty sure I have.

The thing I am surprised I am surviving without: my bipolar medication.

( All 10 Days )

Day 5 - Six songs that you're addicted to

I think you can tell what sort of writing I'm doing these days based on what I'm listening to, but maybe I'm just so close to the project it's all I can see.

1. "Should've Known" by The Heroes Lie

I shoulda known you were a liar when I met you
I shoulda known you had a secret little double life
I shoulda know you were the devil flying undercover
I should have known you'd fit the part,
I should have know you were a star.

2. "Monster" by Imagine Dragons

If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous,
Would you be scared?
I get the feeling just because,
Everything I touch isn't dark enough
If this problem lies in me

3. "Bad Moon Rising" cover by Rosa Chance Well

I hear hurricanes a blowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I can feel the rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.

4. "Lights Go Out" by Fozzy

When the lights go out & the mercury rises
Angels fall to the other side
Fear meets lust, just us colliding
When the lights go out, we own the night

5. "Radioactive" cover by Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse

6. "Wolf Like Me" by TV on the Radio

Got a curse, I cannot lift
Shines when the sunset shifts
When the moon is round and full
Gotta bust that box, gotta gut that fish
We could jet in a stolen car
But I bet we wouldn't get too far
Before the transformation takes
And blood lust tanks and crave gets slaked

( All 10 Days )

Day 4 - Seven fears/phobias

I'm not sure I have seven fears/phobias. There are plenty of things that make me anxious or stressed, but things I actually fear...

1. Spiders. This is the only thing that rises to the level of a phobia. Spiders terrify me. The fucking word can make me shiver, depending on the mood I'm in, and even just a cute little cartoon spider freaks me the fuck out. I can survive them if I must, I can kill them when I'm the only one home, because otherwise they're out there coming to get me, but god, I hate them.

I spend a great deal of time asking WHY IS IT ALWAYS GIANT SPIDERS?!

Oh, fandoms, come on now.

2. Heights. I actually like the feeling of fear that comes from heights. I push myself to stand on the edge of things and look down. This can be dangerous, because I have no balance, but still. I love that frisson of fear.

3. Umm ... I think I'm done. Things that make me anxious aren't things that make me fearful. Maybe things like being a complete and utter failure fall under here, but that always seems more like anxiety when I'm dealing with it. I dread the death of people I love, but I don't fear it.

Oh, I don't know. I feel like I'm overthinking this.

( All 10 Days )

Oh, god, what doesn't annoy me? I am annoyed by everything right now, turned inside out, raw. My bipolar, unmedicated, manifests with a lot of rage and annoyance and taking things far more personally than they are intended, and did I mention rage?

Though to be fair, most of the big things that upset me anymore take me straight to rage and fear for people and hatred of people, so.

1. When someone tells me I feel some way I don't, or that I don't feel some way I do. I run into this A LOT with people who know I have bipolar. I already don't trust my brain and my responses to things, but it is annoying as hell when people try to tell me I do or don't feel some way.

2. Slightly less annoying, because I spend a great deal of time explaining emotions versus logic to J, who is basically a robot, is when someone tells me I shouldn't feel the way I feel. This annoys me less now than it did when I was younger, because okay, so what? I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. It is what it is.

3. That series of white boys in their 20s I encountered in KC while walking my dog. They all had dogs too, big dogs, off leash, and every single time I met a new one, he laughed and told me how friendly his dog was as his dog ran at us, approximately half a second before there was a dog fight. They never helped break up the fight either, instead stood around freaking out. I'm glad my girl wears a harness, because I can pick up 50 pounds of fighting dog so much easier when she's all strapped up.

4. People who say something along the lines of, why do you criticize media so much, it's only a book/tv show/movie/whatever, it doesn't really mean anything? Baby brother used to say this to try to calm me down when I went on a rant. It did not work, obviously.

5. Sharing a living space. I am not good at living with others, I hate not knowing who will be in the house when, and I tend to snap when I haven't been getting enough alone time. There are maybe three or four people in the world I can easily live with. It's nothing personal to anyone, and all about my need for alone time.

6. When my drink sits empty at a restaurant. This is the number one thing that makes me want to lower a tip (though I normally don't). I drink a lot, I order a water with whatever other drink I get, and I request a pitcher of water where possible.

7. "You must not have a very serious case of bipolar if you managed to go to grad school." Oh wait, no, that's annoyance to rage. (And yes, someone said this to me.)

8. Forgetting to take out meat to thaw. I am really bad at remembering to do this.

( All 10 Days )

Day 2: Nine Things You Do Everyday

It feels like cheating to list bodily functions (ex. breathing, bathroom, blinking), but I'm actually a little hard-pressed to come up with things I do every day right now. I'm sure there are nine things, it just doesn't seem like it at the beginning.

1. Doggy time. I take her outside multiple times a day (when the weather isn't so crappy, those include walks, but right now we're sticking to the backyard, because snow and ice and freezing weather. I hate winter), we cuddle, we play (generally tug of war and chase), I feed her, I change her water, and we cuddle again at bedtime. Lots and lots of doggy time every day. Obviously, since I'm not working, there are more hours during the day for doggy time, but even when I was working 12+ hour days, I did all those things with her, just condensed into a shorter period of time. She's a delight.

2. Game time. I have a hard time sleeping, and one of the ways I relax before bed is to play repetitive video games. My current favorite is Marvel Puzzle Quest, which is basically a color matching game that involves my favorite superheroes and villains, and is incredibly relaxing for my brain. I also really like Plants vs. Zombies 2, though it can get frustrating, which is not so useful for the relaxing.

3. Daily debrief. J and I sit down every day and talk a little about our days, my mental health, and what we need to do to deal with anything that has come up. It's in person right now, because not working led to me moving back to my hometown and moving in with him, but when we lived in separate places, we did this via phone calls, texts, and Google chat.

4. Reading. Of course I'm finishing more books right now because I have more time to read, but I always read a little bit of something, often when I go to bed, but sometimes just cuddling on the couch with the dog.

5. Listening. I used to listen to Stuff You Missed In History Class while getting ready for work and on the drive (approximately a half hour per episode was just about perfect) and then a longer podcast while walking the dog, but now I mostly listen while I'm cooking or cleaning (or dog walking, in better weather).

6. Drinking cold things. I drink a ton of iced tea and water every day. I've mostly cut out soda except for some meals out with friends, and I only drink hot drinks when I'm in a certain mood, but cold drinks. I love my tea and water just this side of frozen, with lots and lots of ice. The ice maker here can't keep up with me, it is sad.

7. Wear layers. Have I mentioned it is winter and cold and I hate winter? I wear layers a lot anyway, because I like light-weight clothes and J keeps the house too cool for me in the summer, but in the winter, I wear heavy jeans, heavy socks, and a couple layers of shirts just around the house.

8. Create something. Generally, there is at least a little writing (I have a daily writing goal that involves at least a sentence), but lately it also involves making some sort of food for the family and sometimes art or other practice projects.

9. Deal with bipolar. Every minute of every day, but especially right now, where part of dealing with it does not involve meds.

I've been seeing the Countdown Meme all over, thought I'd give it a try myself.

( Ten Days )

Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself.

1. I'm adopted. My birth mother was also adopted, and I know nothing about my birth father, so there's no family history available to me. This isn't a problem except when it comes to history of health issues.

2. I love marching band. I marched clarinet a couple years, color guard a few more years, did winter guard, and did one year of winter drumline because I also played the piano and therefore could do the piano-based percussion instruments.

3. My first pet was a horse. (My dad's horse, really, but he shared, and the horse loved me.) We'd walk around together and I'd tell him stories. He'd stand in the yard, look in the window and watch television with us. He was a big, tall delight.

4. I don't know how to skate, not roller skates, roller blades or ice skates. Mostly this is because I spent my very young years on a farm with no place to learn, and I have balance issues, so when I tried it a little as a teen, it didn't work. I'd still like to learn to ice skate sometime, because I freaking love hockey and figure skating.

5. I've been to 49 out of the 50 states here. I'm only missing Alaska.

6. I've worn glasses since I was around 7 or 8, and contacts since I was 10 or so. When I first got contacts, they wouldn't let me leave the optometrist's office until I could put them in myself, and I struggled. The woman helping me MADE ME TOUCH HER FUCKING EYE TO GET USED TO IT. FOREVER SCARRED.

7. I hate cooking for myself, but I'm learning not to mind cooking for other people. This morning, I made scrambled eggs, biscuits and white pepper gravy for breakfast. Delicious.

8. I have an upside-down horseshoe scar on the back of my head because my skull bones were fused when I was born (leading to a terrible birth experience for my poor birth mother), and the doctors had to fix them so my brain could develop. Normally I don't notice it (I have very course, very thick, very curly, and very long hair, so it's covered), but sometimes while putting product in it (usually leave-in conditioner), I'll catch it with my fingers. It feels weird.

9. I don't have pierced ears. I've had them pierced twice before. Both times, they healed over the backs of the stud earrings I wore. Because my body is weirdly awesome.

10. My favorite movie is Lilo & Stitch, followed a close second by Lost Boys.